A Simplier Me

So while mowing grass today (yes again! the church this time...and quite frankly I enjoy it...who knew you could get so much thinking done while sitting on a riding lawn mower...i think I may just have to buy one to ride around riverside) and again I had the music pumping and the thoughts a flowin'! And I had the simple, yet profound, realization that I fought so long against the idea that I was a complicated person and then when I finally gave in and surrendered and begin to proudly proclaim - "yes I am complicated! is that ok?!" I suddenly realized that I am now a simple person. I mean I am still complicated and I think it is better to be than not - but my life, my wants, my desires, my taste - they are all more simple. I realized this by reflecting back on a wedding show I was watching earlier in the morning - it was this huge wedding with a gorgeous ring, and an elaborate setting and I thought to myself "wow that is a very gorgeous wedding but I would never want that." at the time it didn't strike me as odd that I would think that, but with the riding mower under my bum I realized that less than two years ago I would have had a very different reaction. Once I decided it was okay to be complicated is when I became the most simple. Maybe that only makes since if you know me - and well - I do know me (well trying to) so it makes since to me and I guess that's all who needs to make sense out of it.

Emotionless

So my dad walked into the house today while I was in the middle of watching a titling marathon of Shear Genius. He looked at me and asked if I would help cut the grass. UUggg...I reluctantly removed myself from the couch and preceded to go outside into the overbearing humidity. It turned out this is exactly what I needed. I had been hanging around the house with nothing to do for quite a few days. Usually I would exercise, read my Bible, go to the pool, finish a book, start a craft project, meander through the thrift stores, drive to the city, or drift through the many aisles of super wal-mart - but as a new stage in my life is beginning and money is a sore subject I can not even afford the gas to take me to any of these places. And though there can be much to do that does not cost a pretty penny my mood did not cause any sudden urges to even pick up a book or clean around the house to help out my mom. To be truthful I haven't even had "a mood." There has simple been the lack of any sort of mood. I have not been sad, not inspired, not excited, not anxious, not depressed, not happy, not nostalgic, not anything really. I know that life is changing and for the first time I want the change. But I hate the wait. That is all I feel - "wait." I try to live each day - actually living it - but what is that? I do not get to see my family much - but now that I am here I still do not feel that I am with them. It is not their fault; its just life. But in the simple act of mowing the grass I was rejuvenated. I needed to be outside with the sun burning my skin, with the smell of freshly cut grass, watching my 80 year old grandfather push the mower and understand that I may not always agree with him but he understands life. He understands that it is about people and nothing more or nothing less. I look at his newly trimmed hair and think about his response to me when I told him "I could have trimmed your hair for free" He simply replied with a wink "yes but I didn't need to invite you to church!" Everything isn't just about people - its about God and what he has done for people - and what we are doing for His glory. I needed to remember this. I needed to play with my dogs, to be with my dad even if there were no words, I needed to feel sweat on the small of my back and grit on my skin, I needed music pumping in my ears, I needed to walk aimlessly through the backwoods and smile - choose to smile and remember who God was - or the small part I understand Him to be thus far. I finally uploaded pictures of Rwanda to my facebook - this was a task that had daunted me with a daunting I could not explain. I had gone to bed almost every night by ten, avoiding everything - but here I am midnight and still my juices flow. Thank you Lord for the little reminders - for the emotions that often run wild and yet I would rather have them than be void of them. And thank you Lord for friends and family who may not understand but still love and pray for me anyways (and even more thanks for the few friends who do understand - so I don't feel so crazy). Its a new day - and if I am void of emotion then I guess that means I can feel whatever I want - and I choose contentment. Here, above,is the sight that made me stop and remember God's goodness...

Just a start to figuring out life

 Here is a picture from Rwanda. Yellow is one of my favorite colors and I love this flower. I do not even know what kind of flower it is, but I love it. Africa is such a gorgeous country and I was reminded everyday of why we are on this earth. Life is not always easy or simple, but God's sovereignty is shown everyday through the beauty that surrounds us. There will be more pics and memories from Africa coming soon!