I haven't posted since NOVEMBER!!!! I had not realized it has been so long. There has been so many changes. I started working at a Native American Indian Reservation. It has been a very eye opening experience. I am with sixth graders for most of the day and then one class of eighth graders. It is not always easy. They are very tough kids who have never been given boundaries or maybe even love. They have foul mouths and even worse attitudes. They are very submersed and so ingrained in their culture and ways that they do not even have a desire to experience the world or even to acknowledge the validity of other cultures. They even go as far as being down right racist. They do not like whites or mexicans and even more so blacks. They are enveloped in gangs, broken homes, teen pregnancies, illiteracy, drugs and alcohol. They break my heart and overwhelm me with both compassion and anger for a world creates such devastation for these children. They are so proud to be Native American, they declare it loudly and often. And yet they know little about their past beyond the injustice - they know drugs, alcohol, sex, anger - and they believe that they are some how living as Natives. The fact is they are more "American" then they know. Though I wish they would come to know Christ's love and salvation, at the very list I wish they would understand that it is in there hands to change a stereotype and not beleive the lives fed to them that some how this is what being Native is. I have enjoyed my experience with these youth, though heartbreaking and hard to handle, I loved investing in their lives and getting to know more about our world and be open to cultures and lives outside my own. But life moves on, and though I will continue to fervently pray for this community, I have recently got a job in Irvine as a ..... Ok well I don't know what I am, but I am working with Corie and Kelly for a Christian woman who does payroll for companies as well as handling all finances for wealthy individuals. This is one of many, many changes. Christine is moving back to Chino to be close to her family :(, so Courtney and I needed a new roommate. Well roommate turned into roommateS! Enter Corie and Kelly! We are moving in with them and since all three of us are going to be working down in Irvine and Courtney works in Chino (and we all want to avoid the 91 freeway and have some more change) we are moving to Orange County...somewhere around there at least. And I officially put in my two weeks notice and the old Barnes and Noble. On top of all of this I graduate with a Masters in Counseling Ministries in May and am really unsure as to where God is leading next.
Whenever change is on the horizon my spirit begins to get restless. I begin to be filled with excitement and discontentment. I feel as if I am going to burst out of my skin. I mean I hate change...lol...but when I know something new is coming it seems like a new beginning. A new beginning for me to become the person I want to be. It seems I have the opportunity to become the bright, shiny person I desire and have always longed to be. It may have to do with the fact that summer is coming as well. Summer has always been my New Years. It has always marked the end of one year and the beginning of a new year - a year that will be the best year ever. It's the year I am going to learn to knit, or loose twenty pounds, or connect with people, or invest in people, or take vitamins, or paint, or read six books... lol. I find when summer is nearing and change is dawning, I want nothing more then for it to be here NOW! but at the same time I cling to what is and I am aware of every moment - trying to collect and save them all. And the worst is the mourning of the past. When ever new is on the horizon, old is sure to be on my mind.
When explaining all this to Courtney, she oh so lovingly reminded me that I overthink everything and that I need to set realistic expectations and remember that outside change does not equal inside change...inside change is hard. I am trying to be content where I am and to enjoy the moments I have, but I can't help but be excited and sad - bittersweet is cliche but oh so accurate. I also am very aware that just because change happens in my external life, doesn't mean that my internal life changes. Therefore I am trying to realize and balance my desire to grow and learn and become a new me, with the realization that it doesn't happen over night. I don't want to lower my expectations, but I also don't want to set myself up for failure. So for now I am excited and just patiently, or not so patiently waiting for what is ahead. Thank you to all those who have been there along the way...and for those of you who are still towing the line....did I use that right??
Whenever change is on the horizon my spirit begins to get restless. I begin to be filled with excitement and discontentment. I feel as if I am going to burst out of my skin. I mean I hate change...lol...but when I know something new is coming it seems like a new beginning. A new beginning for me to become the person I want to be. It seems I have the opportunity to become the bright, shiny person I desire and have always longed to be. It may have to do with the fact that summer is coming as well. Summer has always been my New Years. It has always marked the end of one year and the beginning of a new year - a year that will be the best year ever. It's the year I am going to learn to knit, or loose twenty pounds, or connect with people, or invest in people, or take vitamins, or paint, or read six books... lol. I find when summer is nearing and change is dawning, I want nothing more then for it to be here NOW! but at the same time I cling to what is and I am aware of every moment - trying to collect and save them all. And the worst is the mourning of the past. When ever new is on the horizon, old is sure to be on my mind.
When explaining all this to Courtney, she oh so lovingly reminded me that I overthink everything and that I need to set realistic expectations and remember that outside change does not equal inside change...inside change is hard. I am trying to be content where I am and to enjoy the moments I have, but I can't help but be excited and sad - bittersweet is cliche but oh so accurate. I also am very aware that just because change happens in my external life, doesn't mean that my internal life changes. Therefore I am trying to realize and balance my desire to grow and learn and become a new me, with the realization that it doesn't happen over night. I don't want to lower my expectations, but I also don't want to set myself up for failure. So for now I am excited and just patiently, or not so patiently waiting for what is ahead. Thank you to all those who have been there along the way...and for those of you who are still towing the line....did I use that right??
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